the imperfect situation

I've never really have been a fan of goodbyes.
I can say them when I know I don't want you in my life.
but alot of the time, knowing and wanting are mixed together,
but still completely different.

i'm always fighting with myself now.
should you? should we? should i have?
for the longest time I've kept the light off.
embracing the dark and accepting that you were bad.
you hurt me. you weren't there.
now you want to be there. you're trying to make things right.
i can't decide what's right.
i know what my best friends will say. my sister. my family.
"think of how bad he's hurt you, now you're letting him back in...again?"
they'll get that disappointed look on their faces.
after this happening twice already. i know exactly what to say.
but i don't think i'll admit it just yet.
because when i say it out loud, it's true.
i can just act like it's not happening and I'm not a weak individual.
i can repress it for a while. repress the fact that for some reason,
i just can't say no. i did for two weeks. but you come back in.
i don't know how many times i see my friends go through things like this,
and when they ask what they should do,
I say just drop, don't talk to him, he had you and now he can't.
that was then, this is now, and he should've realized what he had when he had you.
i know that's right, it's the right advice.
i can't even follow my own advice. i'm going against it every step of the way.

i have to breathe, you can't take from me.

now that you're gone.

I ain't afraid of hurt
I've had so much it feels just like normal to me now

so life is looking up. really.
I never thought that I'd move past things.
but I did. I moved past a lot of things.
the idea of being single is no longer scary.
doing things alone is not a sad thing.
i haven't had days to myself in a while and I actually
went out and did something i wanted to do.
I have gone to 2 historical house by myself and taken tours, by myself.
I enjoyed it. I can think better. Clearer.

I'm not rushing to get to your house anymore.
I'm not lying to make secret meetings with you.
that day that I begged you to meet up, was a bad idea.
I knew what was going to happen. I was prepared. I was stupid
I'm not finding hidden meaning and getting hurt by your actions.
It's been 2 months and I'm almost completely over it.
I hope you know what you did. I told you that day "i'm a keeper",
and you agreed. you really fucked it up you know?
it was never me. it was you. and I feel really sorry for you.
because what we had..something that a girl only dreams of.
for a while I didn't have to dream, because it was right there.
then it turned into a nightmare.
thank you for not saying goodnight, because you "forgot"
thank you for choosing pot over me.
thank you for not buying me a present for my birthday,
which i accepted because you supposedly were "tight" on money,
but i immediately took back that exception when you went and
withdrew 20 dollars from the bank for alcohol a couple days later.
that hurt me then, and it still stings now, you know?
there's a lot of things that I will never forgive you for.
everything you're addicted to is all mental, and you're an idiot for
getting tangled up with it in the first place.
i resent you for taking a puff of someone's cigarette while I went to the bathroom
at busch gardens, because the "urge" was so strong.
fuck you. you know? because really, i gave everything to you.
you know how bad that hurts?...you will never change.
your next girlfriend will probably be a whore, who smokes, tries shrooms with you
and doesn't give two shits about your well-being, let alone her own.
i hope you wake up. really.
you can be so sweet and innocent on the outside, there's something boiling
underneath. bad. wreaks of addiction. pot. cigarettes. a hot bedroom with no air-con.
Thank you for trying to get someone who cared more about me then you to try pot.
what kind of thought is that for someone you "love"?
maybe I can just get her to get addicted, then we can do it together, and I won't have to quit, oh yea. I'm so fucking smart.
I'm stronger than that, you asshole. I'm smarter than that, you dick.
I love your family. They were some of the best parts of you.
they are what I do not regret about our relationship.
sorry from you means nothing to me anymore.


Everything you ever touched is undisturbed and hangs out
Like crime scene evidence undisturbed in dust
I don't dare touch anything because it's evidence of us

so there's someone new. someone special. <3