(like this lego cake that took me a whopping 3 hours to make)
no. lego cakes come with hardships and alot of things to face.
I realize this is a real relationship because it's not a piece of cake.
at all. oh it was in the beginning. now I find myself having terrible dreams.
waking up at 545 am, sobbing and..there's nothing. no help. no comfort.
yes, he's still there. still my boyfriend.
but I know by now, he's had to have gotten sick of my crying
and whining. my dreams that "aren't real" but they still feel real.
my anger that builds up when you want to hang out with your friends.
after friday night, I realize that I can't get mad. ever.
about anything, because what happened friday will keep re-occuring,
like a bad dream, that is real.
I don't know if it's normal that I think about it all the time now.
Wondering what he's doing, if he's telling me the truth.
I'm scared. I'm suspicious and paranoid about everything.
and how can I not be?
We've definitely had bad days. Really bad days.
but that comes with relationship territory.
I don't like it. It throws everything off for a week or more.
Since friday I haven't felt like myself.
Not happy. silenced around him. cold-shoulderish, but not so much.
quiet. distant. thinking about feeling betrayed.
of all people, I should be the last person that gets lied to.
it should start with family, friends, then last complete resort lie, is for me, the girlfriend,
but only a lie that would save my feelings from getting hurt.
it wasn't one of those. it was just one to avoid me getting mad. petty.
I'm depressed. no longer feeling happy when i wake up. the flowers are dying.
I'm not racing to get through green lights anymore to get to you.
I'm just..existing. A girl existing with a boyfriend. There is nothing special about us.
Nothing that sets us apart. We are the everyday couple. The girl who gets lied too.
and her boyfriend, the liar.
Don't get me wrong here, he's not a compulsive liar. nowhere close.
but my sister suspects that if he would lie about something so petty,
she questions what else he would lie about. this worries me and everyday I wake up.
I think "is he really at work?", "is there a reason he isn't responding to my text quickly?",
sometimes I catch myself thinking that his whole persona and life to me is just one illusion.
to fool me of his true self. I don't think it's normal to be thinking these things, so early in a relationship. I shouldn't be bothered with thinking about these things at all.
even though we've talked and I'm sure he feels like we're all squared away,
I know we're not. At least with me it's not. It's the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.
and the first thing that haunts my brain when I wake. it on my mind 24 hours.
and it's making me feel decayed inside. I'm hurting so bad.
I cried on the way home after dropping him off tonite. He's apologized. said sorry. begged. cried.
and it just doesn't seem to be enough. not enough to make me okay with it.
nothing can make me accept that it happened, even at this very moment, I want to believe that it was a bad dream. because the boyfriend I know doesn't lie to me.
but now I realize, I don't know him as well as I realized and it's killing me.
I'm different now. and possibly better. maybe it's what I needed not to be so attached to him.
because before friday, I was on his back about everything, what he was doing, how work was, all because I was eager to see him. now it's not a big deal. I don't get excited when I pull up to his house. I kind of just want to stay in the car and cry. and go home and go to sleep.
life he could just keep betraying me and I wouldn't even know it.
I really need to let go, and let God.
