the imperfect situation

I've never really have been a fan of goodbyes.
I can say them when I know I don't want you in my life.
but alot of the time, knowing and wanting are mixed together,
but still completely different.

i'm always fighting with myself now.
should you? should we? should i have?
for the longest time I've kept the light off.
embracing the dark and accepting that you were bad.
you hurt me. you weren't there.
now you want to be there. you're trying to make things right.
i can't decide what's right.
i know what my best friends will say. my sister. my family.
"think of how bad he's hurt you, now you're letting him back in...again?"
they'll get that disappointed look on their faces.
after this happening twice already. i know exactly what to say.
but i don't think i'll admit it just yet.
because when i say it out loud, it's true.
i can just act like it's not happening and I'm not a weak individual.
i can repress it for a while. repress the fact that for some reason,
i just can't say no. i did for two weeks. but you come back in.
i don't know how many times i see my friends go through things like this,
and when they ask what they should do,
I say just drop, don't talk to him, he had you and now he can't.
that was then, this is now, and he should've realized what he had when he had you.
i know that's right, it's the right advice.
i can't even follow my own advice. i'm going against it every step of the way.

i have to breathe, you can't take from me.

now that you're gone.

I ain't afraid of hurt
I've had so much it feels just like normal to me now

so life is looking up. really.
I never thought that I'd move past things.
but I did. I moved past a lot of things.
the idea of being single is no longer scary.
doing things alone is not a sad thing.
i haven't had days to myself in a while and I actually
went out and did something i wanted to do.
I have gone to 2 historical house by myself and taken tours, by myself.
I enjoyed it. I can think better. Clearer.

I'm not rushing to get to your house anymore.
I'm not lying to make secret meetings with you.
that day that I begged you to meet up, was a bad idea.
I knew what was going to happen. I was prepared. I was stupid
I'm not finding hidden meaning and getting hurt by your actions.
It's been 2 months and I'm almost completely over it.
I hope you know what you did. I told you that day "i'm a keeper",
and you agreed. you really fucked it up you know?
it was never me. it was you. and I feel really sorry for you.
because what we had..something that a girl only dreams of.
for a while I didn't have to dream, because it was right there.
then it turned into a nightmare.
thank you for not saying goodnight, because you "forgot"
thank you for choosing pot over me.
thank you for not buying me a present for my birthday,
which i accepted because you supposedly were "tight" on money,
but i immediately took back that exception when you went and
withdrew 20 dollars from the bank for alcohol a couple days later.
that hurt me then, and it still stings now, you know?
there's a lot of things that I will never forgive you for.
everything you're addicted to is all mental, and you're an idiot for
getting tangled up with it in the first place.
i resent you for taking a puff of someone's cigarette while I went to the bathroom
at busch gardens, because the "urge" was so strong.
fuck you. you know? because really, i gave everything to you.
you know how bad that hurts?...you will never change.
your next girlfriend will probably be a whore, who smokes, tries shrooms with you
and doesn't give two shits about your well-being, let alone her own.
i hope you wake up. really.
you can be so sweet and innocent on the outside, there's something boiling
underneath. bad. wreaks of addiction. pot. cigarettes. a hot bedroom with no air-con.
Thank you for trying to get someone who cared more about me then you to try pot.
what kind of thought is that for someone you "love"?
maybe I can just get her to get addicted, then we can do it together, and I won't have to quit, oh yea. I'm so fucking smart.
I'm stronger than that, you asshole. I'm smarter than that, you dick.
I love your family. They were some of the best parts of you.
they are what I do not regret about our relationship.
sorry from you means nothing to me anymore.


Everything you ever touched is undisturbed and hangs out
Like crime scene evidence undisturbed in dust
I don't dare touch anything because it's evidence of us

so there's someone new. someone special. <3

i'm tired of feeling this way.

seven seas.

cats and dogs are coming, 14th street is gonna drown
I'm going to start making a list of things I want to accomplish when the semester is over.
I'm becoming who I used to be again, and I love it.
I'm finally okay to be alone. It feels good.
I seriously always thought I'd never find my way back to that again.
But now I've found a perfect common ground.
Really busy with school work, friends or at home, cuddled in my wonderful bed,
snuggled up to hopes for the summer, new people, and the sand between my toes.

I wish I lived in Sandbridge, time just stops there and it's so beautiful.
the dock and little island park and the nautical names for every street.
heaven on earth
memories of being 13 and playing near the water, in the middle of winter,
with my best friend.

sometimes I wonder how I become so dependent on people.
like "i need you here, all the time, every minute"
I'm a people person, no doubt, but people people need alone time too.
thank God for those new paint supplies, and possibly..lifeboat tea. = )
I'm wondering if these things I've been doing lately is the right decision.
should I continue? I know it's wrong..should've dropped it.. should've of hit the road.
but I'm so in love you..i'll never fall out of love with you. this is true.
maybe we can be good one day and maybe I can forgive you
and maybe we can be perfect and happy.
maybe one day we can share last names. and a front lawn.

I still want my tattoo.
this summer. yes. haha.

summer is so close.

I haven't been myself this past week.























I like it.

do you ever feel like you just shouldn't?

it's been a week or two now.
I know it's right. but it feels so long.
even now i want to know.
what are you doing? where are you at?

fucking chill out, puh-lease.
summer please rush your ass here.
I am so sick and tired of the weather effecting my moods.
nice weather= i'm okay without you
bad weather=i want to curl up with someone who isn't there.

i want to know why i'm having such a problem
and you're not. and i'm second guessing everything.

ha maybe I should pick up drugs.
drugs that keep you from thinking 14,000 steps ahead of everyone.
a drug that is prescribed for those who want to live one day at a time.
everything around me of you is gone, packed away.
but i always find someway to drift back to you, because it's all i'm used to.
i'm out dancing..don't forget to text you goodnite.
i'm at work...don't forget to tell you when i get off.

now it's..i'm dancing...who gives a shit about goodnite?
i'm getting off work..i'm going staight home.
now hugs, no kisses, no sweet surprises.

i am alone. all alone. and i accept it.
i hate coming home because my mind plays tricks on me.
what was that noise? you pulling up in my court to say i want you back?
no..it's a school bus, picking up kids for school.

i am fucking crazy. i'm recovering.
sometimes i'm over it.
please spill your guts, please cry, please be honest.
i will take it consideration and an open heart,
it'd better to know that you were feeling how i was feeling.

i don't believe the explanation that everything is going to be okay, so i can be at peace.
i'm crawling out of my skin to know when i can see you.

and all of these things are exactly what I need to overcome in order to properly fuction,
with or without you there, for the sake of my well-being.
people do things alone all the time.
and i used to watch those people thinking, "man, i bet they wish they had someone"
now I see couples everywhere, and they know, i know they fucking know it,
that girl is alone, desperate, and can't overcome a damn thing.

i am fucking stronger then that. and i am giving in to every indulgence and feeling.
what- the - hell.

that's it. I'm over it. I am strong.
I don't need anything that's going to weigh me down.
I will be intact whether or not we get back together.

in the words of someone: it's not going to kill me.

it's true.

Ignorance really is bliss.
because I remember when I used to be completely oblivious to everything,
I was in this snow globe world, everything a dream, nothing negative.
As of now, snow globe, broken.
I'm living in pieces of broken glass, water, and soggy snow.
I have a magnifying glass to every crack and crease.
every imperfection noticed, noted incredible, etched in stone.
I can't seem to find a comfortable medium,
it's either act like none of it's happening, or it's all happening at once.

I need a life. Of my own.
I need to focus more on school. More friends.
More something to fill the cracks. the creases.

have you even thought about valentine's day?
do you even care? hey, remember when we used to be happy?
like really happy?

Tiffany, please move here.
I can't take life alone much longer.

I'm going to move away really soon.

jezebel.

things are getting better.
9 wonderful months so far, only complicated by minor tiffs.
but we are strong enough to work through anything and everything.
sorry I doubted you.

well.

i miss you.
i'm scared.

you're not my wonderwall.

love you too, asshole.

nothing new.
no work. oh and love is hell.

for me, today is ryan adams day.
every song of his i hear, sounds exactly like how I'm feeling.

my psych teacher was talking about depression today.
and for the longest time, I feel like that's me.

I'm really dying and going through something
and you can't even be here for me anymore.
I can't say a word or thinking a though without tip-toeing.
fuck it, i'm tired of walking on my tippy toes, in a room full of eggshells.
seriously.

I'm scared.

at this point.

I don't even think you know, lucky boy.
you should be driving me.

the big 2-0 in 7 days. woo-hoo.
wish I could be myself again.

i took a glorious "let me avoid the world nap" today,
and I had this wonderful dream that I developed my holga pictures
and they actually turned out and they were amazing.
award winning. oh and I quit my job and worked somewhere else besides target.
it'd be so nice to no longer look at red and khaki and be making money.

this time, I'm doing everything for me.
take that.