everything i want.

please?

is it december? oh I hadn't noticed.

As a kid I remember being SOO excited about christmas and decorating and holiday music and counting down the days til christmas and christmas eve and I just haven't gotten into that ole' holiday spirit, I feel just like the grinch. Luckily I haven't started to resemble him but..

maybe my mom was right. I'm not who I used to be. My personality has changed. I used to be all about going here and doing this. now I'm stifled. not myself. even my boyfriend tells me that I ONLY focus on the negative things. I feel ashamed because I used to be extremely positive but now...what's wrong with me? Everything in me always wants to take little trips here and there. I used to enjoy shopping by myself but I don't like doing ANYTHING by myself. ah the joys of being used to doing things in twos. I actually hate the way I've become. happy, mom?

I admit it. I feel completely disconnected. from everything. everyone. I miss my best friend. trips to fredericksburg. those were the days that everything felt possible. why can't i have a better car so that I can drive further? why does everything have to be...not reachable.

maybe things will get better in the new year. my new year's resolution? the ability to be who I

really am again.

i'm so tired of the same ole'...

this is how I feel right now.

baby i..try again

in a weird way, I miss Pennsylvania a lot.

it was gorgeous there in august.
perfect temperatures. perfect skies.
but that was august. this is november.

last night in my car, I hugged my boyfriend tight.
"let's run away..", i said. "to somewhere far away."
i never thought i'd say those words but really, I could run away with him.
the sad part is i wouldn't miss a thing. there's nothing I need more then something new.
new state. new country, even. new people. not the same ole, same ole.
wake up, go to boyfriend's house, take boyfriend to work, go home, get ready, go to work,
get off work, go to boyfriend's house, sit on couch, go home, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat.
I know he doesn't like it either, but we aren't made of money, and i've pretty much explored
the crap out of the surrounding areas. I planning to take my love machine to farther destinations. through tunnels, over bridges, to grandmother's house I'll go, we'll go.
I need a new job. should have turned my app into finn mcool's...damnit.

...

strike two.

death and life

so much was missing.

I used to think that life was cake.
(like this lego cake that took me a whopping 3 hours to make)

no. lego cakes come with hardships and alot of things to face.
I realize this is a real relationship because it's not a piece of cake.
at all. oh it was in the beginning. now I find myself having terrible dreams.
waking up at 545 am, sobbing and..there's nothing. no help. no comfort.
yes, he's still there. still my boyfriend.
but I know by now, he's had to have gotten sick of my crying
and whining. my dreams that "aren't real" but they still feel real.
my anger that builds up when you want to hang out with your friends.
after friday night, I realize that I can't get mad. ever.
about anything, because what happened friday will keep re-occuring,
like a bad dream, that is real.
I don't know if it's normal that I think about it all the time now.
Wondering what he's doing, if he's telling me the truth.
I'm scared. I'm suspicious and paranoid about everything.
and how can I not be?
We've definitely had bad days. Really bad days.
but that comes with relationship territory.
I don't like it. It throws everything off for a week or more.
Since friday I haven't felt like myself.
Not happy. silenced around him. cold-shoulderish, but not so much.
quiet. distant. thinking about feeling betrayed.
of all people, I should be the last person that gets lied to.
it should start with family, friends, then last complete resort lie, is for me, the girlfriend,
but only a lie that would save my feelings from getting hurt.
it wasn't one of those. it was just one to avoid me getting mad. petty.
I'm depressed. no longer feeling happy when i wake up. the flowers are dying.
I'm not racing to get through green lights anymore to get to you.
I'm just..existing. A girl existing with a boyfriend. There is nothing special about us.
Nothing that sets us apart. We are the everyday couple. The girl who gets lied too.
and her boyfriend, the liar.
Don't get me wrong here, he's not a compulsive liar. nowhere close.
but my sister suspects that if he would lie about something so petty,
she questions what else he would lie about. this worries me and everyday I wake up.
I think "is he really at work?", "is there a reason he isn't responding to my text quickly?",
sometimes I catch myself thinking that his whole persona and life to me is just one illusion.
to fool me of his true self. I don't think it's normal to be thinking these things, so early in a relationship. I shouldn't be bothered with thinking about these things at all.
even though we've talked and I'm sure he feels like we're all squared away,
I know we're not. At least with me it's not. It's the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.
and the first thing that haunts my brain when I wake. it on my mind 24 hours.
and it's making me feel decayed inside. I'm hurting so bad.
I cried on the way home after dropping him off tonite. He's apologized. said sorry. begged. cried.
and it just doesn't seem to be enough. not enough to make me okay with it.
nothing can make me accept that it happened, even at this very moment, I want to believe that it was a bad dream. because the boyfriend I know doesn't lie to me.
but now I realize, I don't know him as well as I realized and it's killing me.
I'm different now. and possibly better. maybe it's what I needed not to be so attached to him.
because before friday, I was on his back about everything, what he was doing, how work was, all because I was eager to see him. now it's not a big deal. I don't get excited when I pull up to his house. I kind of just want to stay in the car and cry. and go home and go to sleep.
life he could just keep betraying me and I wouldn't even know it.
I really need to let go, and let God.

just what I needed.

thanks to sarwah, this weekend was just what I needed.
dancing was amazing. and my calves have been aching from
dancing so much. and my feet ache to go back again. =]

as of now, I'm about to begin the grueling process of baking a lego
caked for me and boyfriend's six month anniversary tomorrow.
he loves legos and hopefully he'll love this cake.
those damn vans better fed-ex their asses to my house bright and early tomorrow. kthnx.

and hopefully my cake will resemble this one.
and I want these...where can I get them?

me and my love are still trying to figure out what to do for Halloween.
we've had our costumes since September.
it was ghouls(girls)night and we scared Kyle ahhaha.

I love you so much, it's retarded.

I love them:


and I love this movie.

and I love my amazing boyfriend for suggesting that we go see this tonite.
Lately I feel like I've been doing alot, and I want to document everything!
Even the most simply thing needs to be documented, like tonite.
I wish I had a picture for every smile and kiss we shared tonite,
for every time we held hands or changed seating positions in the movie.
I love when you tell me I look cute when I haven't put the biggest effort into my outfit.
and maybe it's okay that we didn't see eachother for a day because today was one
hell of a good day. It's days like this when I know that we're perfect.

In a way, Im kind of glad.

No work today.I'm lazy. Lazy.

Fashion. I need a fall wardrobe.

Where can I find adorable clothes? Where can I find a place to get alot of clothes for chea p?

My old wardrobe is not really sufficing my "wanna look amazing all the time" expectations.

Plato's closet is not longer taking the clothes I don't want anymore!

They're good clothes, damnit, just not good clothes for me!

I need a new job, a better paying job, so I can buy a new car, new clothes,

and maybe move, to another city, another state.

A while I was saying, "there is so much left to explore in virginia",

but I feel completely at a loss for it, it's boring to me.

I need new friends. New hobbies. New everything.

Except for my boyfriend. He never gets old, he can stay = ).

I love soup. I had delicious tomato basil yesterday at the my old hang out during my high school days, with all the oaktree girls who loved soup, sanwiches, ice tea, and acai smoothies.

Those days were simple. Easy. Fun.

I need to read more. More Bukowski. Kerouac.

Wisdom is wonderful.

"i think we've created a monster"

last night with ben:

Tonite with amazing boyfriend, mathew:

i love his feet. = )

and our feet together <3

and this= our new favorite thing.

wanted:

new good friends who don't change

personalities from one day to the next.

I hate being alone.

but with a bunch of friends who have no time for be.

i've been alone for quite some time now.

I love this weather.

halloween. mmm.

my new boots. my new love.

I can't wait.

confinment. not my first choice. last week was better.

right now I'd love to be...

last weekend:
cross the bridge


into the night-we ride.


food lion. mm-hmm


Ben can't make up his mind.


and neither can I. crap.
so many choices

heaven: here

I'm in love with you

as far as the eye can see.

away.

I love dashboard confessional so much sometimes that I hate it..
It's ability to connect me with past summers and taunt me with
good missed memories and times I wish I relive.

Why does everything had to be so fucking hard?
why do I have to make everything difficult.
everyday I become more and more convinced I have a mental illness.

starting to panic..wait..wait

I remember thinking 3 years ago that freaking out and panicking
was a bad thing. Keep everything inside. Stay sane.
But that night that I let myself go crazy,

head hitting trashcans, walls, glass.

I'm convinced I knocked something loose,
and it is gradually just unwinding.

I have become one of those girls.
entirely comsumed in him.
relying on his happiness to be my happiness.
i'm so wrong. i don't give him a chance to breathe.
i blow a gasket when he wants to change plans to hang with friends.
what's wrong with me?

I need to just step back from the situation.
yes. step back.
I'd be pissed if he was getting mad that I wanted to hang with friends
instead of him for once.
and I completely get that.
but since I basically have no friends,
and my best friend lives so far away.
he's all I have.

I need hobbies.
Time wasters.
New job.
anything.

our own private island

it's like our montauk. add some peaches and mangoes to this.
it would have been mind-blowing.

collecting.

still need:

-compass.