everything i want.

please?

is it december? oh I hadn't noticed.

As a kid I remember being SOO excited about christmas and decorating and holiday music and counting down the days til christmas and christmas eve and I just haven't gotten into that ole' holiday spirit, I feel just like the grinch. Luckily I haven't started to resemble him but..

maybe my mom was right. I'm not who I used to be. My personality has changed. I used to be all about going here and doing this. now I'm stifled. not myself. even my boyfriend tells me that I ONLY focus on the negative things. I feel ashamed because I used to be extremely positive but now...what's wrong with me? Everything in me always wants to take little trips here and there. I used to enjoy shopping by myself but I don't like doing ANYTHING by myself. ah the joys of being used to doing things in twos. I actually hate the way I've become. happy, mom?

I admit it. I feel completely disconnected. from everything. everyone. I miss my best friend. trips to fredericksburg. those were the days that everything felt possible. why can't i have a better car so that I can drive further? why does everything have to be...not reachable.

maybe things will get better in the new year. my new year's resolution? the ability to be who I

really am again.