the imperfect situation

I've never really have been a fan of goodbyes.
I can say them when I know I don't want you in my life.
but alot of the time, knowing and wanting are mixed together,
but still completely different.

i'm always fighting with myself now.
should you? should we? should i have?
for the longest time I've kept the light off.
embracing the dark and accepting that you were bad.
you hurt me. you weren't there.
now you want to be there. you're trying to make things right.
i can't decide what's right.
i know what my best friends will say. my sister. my family.
"think of how bad he's hurt you, now you're letting him back in...again?"
they'll get that disappointed look on their faces.
after this happening twice already. i know exactly what to say.
but i don't think i'll admit it just yet.
because when i say it out loud, it's true.
i can just act like it's not happening and I'm not a weak individual.
i can repress it for a while. repress the fact that for some reason,
i just can't say no. i did for two weeks. but you come back in.
i don't know how many times i see my friends go through things like this,
and when they ask what they should do,
I say just drop, don't talk to him, he had you and now he can't.
that was then, this is now, and he should've realized what he had when he had you.
i know that's right, it's the right advice.
i can't even follow my own advice. i'm going against it every step of the way.

i have to breathe, you can't take from me.