effulgence

the imperfect situation

2009-05-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

I've never really have been a fan of goodbyes.
I can say them when I know I don't want you in my life.
but alot of the time, knowing and wanting are mixed together,
but still completely different.

i'm always fighting with myself now.
should you? should we? should i have?
for the longest time I've kept the light off.
embracing the dark and accepting that you were bad.
you hurt me. you weren't there.
now you want to be there. you're trying to make things right.
i can't decide what's right.
i know what my best friends will say. my sister. my family.
"think of how bad he's hurt you, now you're letting him back in...again?"
they'll get that disappointed look on their faces.
after this happening twice already. i know exactly what to say.
but i don't think i'll admit it just yet.
because when i say it out loud, it's true.
i can just act like it's not happening and I'm not a weak individual.
i can repress it for a while. repress the fact that for some reason,
i just can't say no. i did for two weeks. but you come back in.
i don't know how many times i see my friends go through things like this,
and when they ask what they should do,
I say just drop, don't talk to him, he had you and now he can't.
that was then, this is now, and he should've realized what he had when he had you.
i know that's right, it's the right advice.
i can't even follow my own advice. i'm going against it every step of the way.

i have to breathe, you can't take from me.

now that you're gone.

2009-05-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

I ain't afraid of hurt
I've had so much it feels just like normal to me now

so life is looking up. really.
I never thought that I'd move past things.
but I did. I moved past a lot of things.
the idea of being single is no longer scary.
doing things alone is not a sad thing.
i haven't had days to myself in a while and I actually
went out and did something i wanted to do.
I have gone to 2 historical house by myself and taken tours, by myself.
I enjoyed it. I can think better. Clearer.

I'm not rushing to get to your house anymore.
I'm not lying to make secret meetings with you.
that day that I begged you to meet up, was a bad idea.
I knew what was going to happen. I was prepared. I was stupid
I'm not finding hidden meaning and getting hurt by your actions.
It's been 2 months and I'm almost completely over it.
I hope you know what you did. I told you that day "i'm a keeper",
and you agreed. you really fucked it up you know?
it was never me. it was you. and I feel really sorry for you.
because what we had..something that a girl only dreams of.
for a while I didn't have to dream, because it was right there.
then it turned into a nightmare.
thank you for not saying goodnight, because you "forgot"
thank you for choosing pot over me.
thank you for not buying me a present for my birthday,
which i accepted because you supposedly were "tight" on money,
but i immediately took back that exception when you went and
withdrew 20 dollars from the bank for alcohol a couple days later.
that hurt me then, and it still stings now, you know?
there's a lot of things that I will never forgive you for.
everything you're addicted to is all mental, and you're an idiot for
getting tangled up with it in the first place.
i resent you for taking a puff of someone's cigarette while I went to the bathroom
at busch gardens, because the "urge" was so strong.
fuck you. you know? because really, i gave everything to you.
you know how bad that hurts?...you will never change.
your next girlfriend will probably be a whore, who smokes, tries shrooms with you
and doesn't give two shits about your well-being, let alone her own.
i hope you wake up. really.
you can be so sweet and innocent on the outside, there's something boiling
underneath. bad. wreaks of addiction. pot. cigarettes. a hot bedroom with no air-con.
Thank you for trying to get someone who cared more about me then you to try pot.
what kind of thought is that for someone you "love"?
maybe I can just get her to get addicted, then we can do it together, and I won't have to quit, oh yea. I'm so fucking smart.
I'm stronger than that, you asshole. I'm smarter than that, you dick.
I love your family. They were some of the best parts of you.
they are what I do not regret about our relationship.
sorry from you means nothing to me anymore.

Everything you ever touched is undisturbed and hangs out
Like crime scene evidence undisturbed in dust
I don't dare touch anything because it's evidence of us

so there's someone new. someone special. <3

i'm tired of feeling this way.

2009-04-16T18:24:00.001-07:00

seven seas.

2009-04-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

cats and dogs are coming, 14th street is gonna drown
I'm going to start making a list of things I want to accomplish when the semester is over.
I'm becoming who I used to be again, and I love it.
I'm finally okay to be alone. It feels good.
I seriously always thought I'd never find my way back to that again.
But now I've found a perfect common ground.
Really busy with school work, friends or at home, cuddled in my wonderful bed,
snuggled up to hopes for the summer, new people, and the sand between my toes.

I wish I lived in Sandbridge, time just stops there and it's so beautiful.
the dock and little island park and the nautical names for every street.
heaven on earth
memories of being 13 and playing near the water, in the middle of winter,
with my best friend.

sometimes I wonder how I become so dependent on people.
like "i need you here, all the time, every minute"
I'm a people person, no doubt, but people people need alone time too.
thank God for those new paint supplies, and possibly..lifeboat tea. = )
I'm wondering if these things I've been doing lately is the right decision.
should I continue? I know it's wrong..should've dropped it.. should've of hit the road.
but I'm so in love you..i'll never fall out of love with you. this is true.
maybe we can be good one day and maybe I can forgive you
and maybe we can be perfect and happy.
maybe one day we can share last names. and a front lawn.

I still want my tattoo.
this summer. yes. haha.

summer is so close.

2009-04-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't been myself this past week.

I like it.

do you ever feel like you just shouldn't?

2009-03-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

it's been a week or two now.
I know it's right. but it feels so long.
even now i want to know.
what are you doing? where are you at?

fucking chill out, puh-lease.
summer please rush your ass here.
I am so sick and tired of the weather effecting my moods.
nice weather= i'm okay without you
bad weather=i want to curl up with someone who isn't there.

i want to know why i'm having such a problem
and you're not. and i'm second guessing everything.

ha maybe I should pick up drugs.
drugs that keep you from thinking 14,000 steps ahead of everyone.
a drug that is prescribed for those who want to live one day at a time.
everything around me of you is gone, packed away.
but i always find someway to drift back to you, because it's all i'm used to.
i'm out dancing..don't forget to text you goodnite.
i'm at work...don't forget to tell you when i get off.

now it's..i'm dancing...who gives a shit about goodnite?
i'm getting off work..i'm going staight home.
now hugs, no kisses, no sweet surprises.

i am alone. all alone. and i accept it.
i hate coming home because my mind plays tricks on me.
what was that noise? you pulling up in my court to say i want you back?
no..it's a school bus, picking up kids for school.

i am fucking crazy. i'm recovering.
sometimes i'm over it.
please spill your guts, please cry, please be honest.
i will take it consideration and an open heart,
it'd better to know that you were feeling how i was feeling.

i don't believe the explanation that everything is going to be okay, so i can be at peace.
i'm crawling out of my skin to know when i can see you.

and all of these things are exactly what I need to overcome in order to properly fuction,
with or without you there, for the sake of my well-being.
people do things alone all the time.
and i used to watch those people thinking, "man, i bet they wish they had someone"
now I see couples everywhere, and they know, i know they fucking know it,
that girl is alone, desperate, and can't overcome a damn thing.

i am fucking stronger then that. and i am giving in to every indulgence and feeling.
what- the - hell.

that's it. I'm over it. I am strong.
I don't need anything that's going to weigh me down.
I will be intact whether or not we get back together.

in the words of someone: it's not going to kill me.

it's true.

2009-02-09T17:42:00.000-08:00

Ignorance really is bliss.
because I remember when I used to be completely oblivious to everything,
I was in this snow globe world, everything a dream, nothing negative.
As of now, snow globe, broken.
I'm living in pieces of broken glass, water, and soggy snow.
I have a magnifying glass to every crack and crease.
every imperfection noticed, noted incredible, etched in stone.
I can't seem to find a comfortable medium,
it's either act like none of it's happening, or it's all happening at once.

I need a life. Of my own.
I need to focus more on school. More friends.
More something to fill the cracks. the creases.

have you even thought about valentine's day?
do you even care? hey, remember when we used to be happy?
like really happy?

Tiffany, please move here.
I can't take life alone much longer.

I'm going to move away really soon.

jezebel.

2009-01-26T12:03:00.001-08:00

things are getting better.
9 wonderful months so far, only complicated by minor tiffs.
but we are strong enough to work through anything and everything.
sorry I doubted you.

well.

2009-01-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

i miss you.
i'm scared.

you're not my wonderwall.

2009-01-14T12:24:00.000-08:00

love you too, asshole.

nothing new.
no work. oh and love is hell.

for me, today is ryan adams day.
every song of his i hear, sounds exactly like how I'm feeling.

my psych teacher was talking about depression today.
and for the longest time, I feel like that's me.

I'm really dying and going through something
and you can't even be here for me anymore.
I can't say a word or thinking a though without tip-toeing.
fuck it, i'm tired of walking on my tippy toes, in a room full of eggshells.
seriously.

I'm scared.

at this point.

2009-01-11T14:51:00.000-08:00

I don't even think you know, lucky boy.
you should be driving me.

the big 2-0 in 7 days. woo-hoo.
wish I could be myself again.

i took a glorious "let me avoid the world nap" today,
and I had this wonderful dream that I developed my holga pictures
and they actually turned out and they were amazing.
award winning. oh and I quit my job and worked somewhere else besides target.
it'd be so nice to no longer look at red and khaki and be making money.

this time, I'm doing everything for me.
take that.

everything i want.

2008-12-18T21:47:00.000-08:00

please?

is it december? oh I hadn't noticed.

2008-12-16T21:30:00.000-08:00

As a kid I remember being SOO excited about christmas and decorating and holiday music and counting down the days til christmas and christmas eve and I just haven't gotten into that ole' holiday spirit, I feel just like the grinch. Luckily I haven't started to resemble him but..

maybe my mom was right. I'm not who I used to be. My personality has changed. I used to be all about going here and doing this. now I'm stifled. not myself. even my boyfriend tells me that I ONLY focus on the negative things. I feel ashamed because I used to be extremely positive but now...what's wrong with me? Everything in me always wants to take little trips here and there. I used to enjoy shopping by myself but I don't like doing ANYTHING by myself. ah the joys of being used to doing things in twos. I actually hate the way I've become. happy, mom?

I admit it. I feel completely disconnected. from everything. everyone. I miss my best friend. trips to fredericksburg. those were the days that everything felt possible. why can't i have a better car so that I can drive further? why does everything have to be...not reachable.

maybe things will get better in the new year. my new year's resolution? the ability to be who I

really am again.

i'm so tired of the same ole'...

2008-11-29T18:07:00.000-08:00

this is how I feel right now.

baby i..try again

2008-11-17T21:09:00.000-08:00

in a weird way, I miss Pennsylvania a lot.

it was gorgeous there in august.
perfect temperatures. perfect skies.
but that was august. this is november.

last night in my car, I hugged my boyfriend tight.
"let's run away..", i said. "to somewhere far away."
i never thought i'd say those words but really, I could run away with him.
the sad part is i wouldn't miss a thing. there's nothing I need more then something new.
new state. new country, even. new people. not the same ole, same ole.
wake up, go to boyfriend's house, take boyfriend to work, go home, get ready, go to work,
get off work, go to boyfriend's house, sit on couch, go home, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat.
I know he doesn't like it either, but we aren't made of money, and i've pretty much explored
the crap out of the surrounding areas. I planning to take my love machine to farther destinations. through tunnels, over bridges, to grandmother's house I'll go, we'll go.
I need a new job. should have turned my app into finn mcool's...damnit.

...

2008-11-16T14:24:00.001-08:00

strike two.

death and life

2008-11-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

so much was missing.

2008-10-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

I used to think that life was cake.
(like this lego cake that took me a whopping 3 hours to make)

no. lego cakes come with hardships and alot of things to face.
I realize this is a real relationship because it's not a piece of cake.
at all. oh it was in the beginning. now I find myself having terrible dreams.
waking up at 545 am, sobbing and..there's nothing. no help. no comfort.
yes, he's still there. still my boyfriend.
but I know by now, he's had to have gotten sick of my crying
and whining. my dreams that "aren't real" but they still feel real.
my anger that builds up when you want to hang out with your friends.
after friday night, I realize that I can't get mad. ever.
about anything, because what happened friday will keep re-occuring,
like a bad dream, that is real.
I don't know if it's normal that I think about it all the time now.
Wondering what he's doing, if he's telling me the truth.
I'm scared. I'm suspicious and paranoid about everything.
and how can I not be?
We've definitely had bad days. Really bad days.
but that comes with relationship territory.
I don't like it. It throws everything off for a week or more.
Since friday I haven't felt like myself.
Not happy. silenced around him. cold-shoulderish, but not so much.
quiet. distant. thinking about feeling betrayed.
of all people, I should be the last person that gets lied to.
it should start with family, friends, then last complete resort lie, is for me, the girlfriend,
but only a lie that would save my feelings from getting hurt.
it wasn't one of those. it was just one to avoid me getting mad. petty.
I'm depressed. no longer feeling happy when i wake up. the flowers are dying.
I'm not racing to get through green lights anymore to get to you.
I'm just..existing. A girl existing with a boyfriend. There is nothing special about us.
Nothing that sets us apart. We are the everyday couple. The girl who gets lied too.
and her boyfriend, the liar.
Don't get me wrong here, he's not a compulsive liar. nowhere close.
but my sister suspects that if he would lie about something so petty,
she questions what else he would lie about. this worries me and everyday I wake up.
I think "is he really at work?", "is there a reason he isn't responding to my text quickly?",
sometimes I catch myself thinking that his whole persona and life to me is just one illusion.
to fool me of his true self. I don't think it's normal to be thinking these things, so early in a relationship. I shouldn't be bothered with thinking about these things at all.
even though we've talked and I'm sure he feels like we're all squared away,
I know we're not. At least with me it's not. It's the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.
and the first thing that haunts my brain when I wake. it on my mind 24 hours.
and it's making me feel decayed inside. I'm hurting so bad.
I cried on the way home after dropping him off tonite. He's apologized. said sorry. begged. cried.
and it just doesn't seem to be enough. not enough to make me okay with it.
nothing can make me accept that it happened, even at this very moment, I want to believe that it was a bad dream. because the boyfriend I know doesn't lie to me.
but now I realize, I don't know him as well as I realized and it's killing me.
I'm different now. and possibly better. maybe it's what I needed not to be so attached to him.
because before friday, I was on his back about everything, what he was doing, how work was, all because I was eager to see him. now it's not a big deal. I don't get excited when I pull up to his house. I kind of just want to stay in the car and cry. and go home and go to sleep.
life he could just keep betraying me and I wouldn't even know it.
I really need to let go, and let God.

just what I needed.

2008-10-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

thanks to sarwah, this weekend was just what I needed.
dancing was amazing. and my calves have been aching from
dancing so much. and my feet ache to go back again. =]

as of now, I'm about to begin the grueling process of baking a lego
caked for me and boyfriend's six month anniversary tomorrow.
he loves legos and hopefully he'll love this cake.
those damn vans better fed-ex their asses to my house bright and early tomorrow. kthnx.

and hopefully my cake will resemble this one.
and I want these...where can I get them?

me and my love are still trying to figure out what to do for Halloween.
we've had our costumes since September.
it was ghouls(girls)night and we scared Kyle ahhaha.

I love you so much, it's retarded.

2008-10-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

I love them:

and I love this movie.

and I love my amazing boyfriend for suggesting that we go see this tonite.
Lately I feel like I've been doing alot, and I want to document everything!
Even the most simply thing needs to be documented, like tonite.
I wish I had a picture for every smile and kiss we shared tonite,
for every time we held hands or changed seating positions in the movie.
I love when you tell me I look cute when I haven't put the biggest effort into my outfit.
and maybe it's okay that we didn't see eachother for a day because today was one
hell of a good day. It's days like this when I know that we're perfect.

In a way, Im kind of glad.

2008-10-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

No work today.I'm lazy. Lazy.

Fashion. I need a fall wardrobe.

Where can I find adorable clothes? Where can I find a place to get alot of clothes for chea p?

My old wardrobe is not really sufficing my "wanna look amazing all the time" expectations.

Plato's closet is not longer taking the clothes I don't want anymore!

They're good clothes, damnit, just not good clothes for me!

I need a new job, a better paying job, so I can buy a new car, new clothes,

and maybe move, to another city, another state.

A while I was saying, "there is so much left to explore in virginia",

but I feel completely at a loss for it, it's boring to me.

I need new friends. New hobbies. New everything.

Except for my boyfriend. He never gets old, he can stay = ).

I love soup. I had delicious tomato basil yesterday at the my old hang out during my high school days, with all the oaktree girls who loved soup, sanwiches, ice tea, and acai smoothies.

Those days were simple. Easy. Fun.

I need to read more. More Bukowski. Kerouac.

Wisdom is wonderful.

"i think we've created a monster"

2008-09-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

last night with ben:

Tonite with amazing boyfriend, mathew:

i love his feet. = )

and our feet together <3

and this= our new favorite thing.

wanted:

2008-09-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

new good friends who don't change

personalities from one day to the next.

I hate being alone.

but with a bunch of friends who have no time for be.

i've been alone for quite some time now.

I love this weather.

2008-09-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

halloween. mmm.

my new boots. my new love.

I can't wait.

confinment. not my first choice. last week was better.

2008-09-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

right now I'd love to be...

last weekend:
cross the bridge

into the night-we ride.

food lion. mm-hmm

Ben can't make up his mind.

and neither can I. crap.
so many choices

heaven: here

2008-09-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in love with you

as far as the eye can see.

away.

2008-09-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

I love dashboard confessional so much sometimes that I hate it..
It's ability to connect me with past summers and taunt me with
good missed memories and times I wish I relive.

Why does everything had to be so fucking hard?
why do I have to make everything difficult.
everyday I become more and more convinced I have a mental illness.

starting to panic..wait..wait

I remember thinking 3 years ago that freaking out and panicking
was a bad thing. Keep everything inside. Stay sane.
But that night that I let myself go crazy,

head hitting trashcans, walls, glass.

I'm convinced I knocked something loose,
and it is gradually just unwinding.

I have become one of those girls.
entirely comsumed in him.
relying on his happiness to be my happiness.
i'm so wrong. i don't give him a chance to breathe.
i blow a gasket when he wants to change plans to hang with friends.
what's wrong with me?

I need to just step back from the situation.
yes. step back.
I'd be pissed if he was getting mad that I wanted to hang with friends
instead of him for once.
and I completely get that.
but since I basically have no friends,
and my best friend lives so far away.
he's all I have.

I need hobbies.
Time wasters.
New job.
anything.

our own private island

2008-08-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

it's like our montauk. add some peaches and mangoes to this.
it would have been mind-blowing.

collecting.

2008-08-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

still need:

-compass.